where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
