I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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