Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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