I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
