why do cheetos always look like penises
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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