Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
