when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
