Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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