I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
