someone get that fucking seahorse.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
