How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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