y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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