You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
