I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
