I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
