I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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