I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
