At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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