yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
