When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
