My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
