walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
