I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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