I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
