i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
