Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
