Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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