So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
