So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
