I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
