Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
