I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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