i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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