I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
