eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
