My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
