well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
