shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
