if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
