Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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