Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
