how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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