I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
