why do cheetos always look like penises
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
