I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
