It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
