She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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