just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
