I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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