My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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