Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
