I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
