you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
