I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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