When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're too hungover to prance.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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