my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
