Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
