I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
