It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
