So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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