so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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