Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
