saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
