Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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