Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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